diaries = [ "Haven't left yet", "Fiji, New Zealand", "Australia", "Australia, Indonesia", "Indonesia, Malaysia", "Thailand", "Cambodia, Vietnam", "China, Hong Kong", "Macau, China", "Tibet, Pakistan", "India, Nepal", "Nepal", "India", "Sri Lanka, India", "Pakistan, Iran, Turkey", "Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan, Egypt", "Grand Finale" ]; diaryQuotes = [ "1", "April '96, New Zealand", "Went jetboating, took a tour out to 'world-famous' Milford Sound (a fiord) and jumped the world's highest bungy bridge, 340 feet! Great fun once I jumped", "3", "June '96, Australia", "I'll entertain you all with some aborigine renditions as soon as I get back and yes that is a threat, not a promise!", "4", "July '96, Indonesia", "We saw 5 dragons at various stages on a trek through there, a couple of whom we saw up close chewing on the remains of a water buffalo carcass", "4", "August '96, Indonesia", "I had my own stunt double, I got to die horribly in a fire, Ed got to fly through the air attached to a wire", "4", "August '96, Indonesia", "I gave a rendition of 'Silat' martial arts in front of the local chief of police", "5", "September '96, Indonesia", "We went wild pig hunting with a couple of Mentawai medicine men wearing nothing much more than our newly made loin cloths and some face paint", "5", "September '96, Indonesia", "The girls returned clad only in banana leaf skirts and daubed from face to navel in dried mud! Yum yum.", "5", "September '96, Malaysia", "He tossed his briefcase up on the table and pulled out 2000 US dollars in a wad of 100's", "6", "October '96, Thailand", "From lengths of barbed wire to massive skewers and tree branches, it made for a bizarre and bloody sight.", "6", "November '96, Thailand", "We came across a hidden poppy field which we supposed was the village's source of opium", "6", "November '96, Thailand", "... and an interesting all-female show involving a giant squid", "7", "December '96, Cambodia", "Marijuana is legal there and costs around $1 per kilo", "7", "December '96, Cambodia", "The temples of Angkor, said by some to be the greatest sight in all Asia, and they might be right", "7", "January '97, Vietnam", "The fact that the dresses are practically see-through had nothing to do with the attraction I assure you!", "8", "February '97, China", "The toilets in China are worth a mention for being the worst I've come across so far", "9", "March '97, China", "The 15 hours ... had allowed a big, steaming pile of you know what to build up in the bowl, delightful!", "9", "April '97, China", "Wait girl, don't spit it out yet, give me a big kiss, you are soooo sexy, you know that don't you?", "9", "April '97, China", "Keep looking down to see what the guy next door was up to as it washes underneath you", "9", "April '97, China", "Wrinkly tights ... has reached epedemic proportions among the women here, a terrible sight to behold.", "10", "May '97, Tibet", "The blood drained from my face and I was real close to just keeling over and fainting right then and there", "10", "May '97, Tibet", "I had a bit of an adventure trying to get to Mt. Everest from Lhasa.", "10", "May '97, Tibet", "He still hadn't got the passports back but he told us the money Tenzin had stolen from us was all spent.", "10", "May '97, Tibet", "You miss out on one of the highlights of the toilet, a clear view of Mount Everest!", "10", "June '97, China", "From Urumqi I had a record-breaking 44 hour bus trip to Kashgar.", "10", "July '97, Pakistan", "All in all from Tibet to Pakistan I had had a 25 hour, a 14 hour, a 14 hour, a 6 hour, a 44 hour, a 10 hour and a 10 hour bus ride, quite a journey!", "10", "July '97, Pakistan", "You can't but love a city though that is covered in wild-growing marijuana eh?", "10", "July '97, Pakistan", "At one shop we posed for photos with a kilo lump of opium.", "11", "August '97, India", "Entering India was a little stressful, the Pakistani border guards put me through my first ever full baggage search and they found the powder!", "11", "August '97, India", "My rupees were safely tucked into Dave's underwear", "11", "August '97, India", "News of my arrival must have reached his Holiness this time because it wasn't long before I was over at his house shaking his hand.", "11", "November '97, Nepal", "This very morning, I'm off on what may prove to be my strangest and most exotic journey yet!", "12", "October '97, Nepal", "With mist chasing us up the valley we reached the top to behold the greatest view I'd ever see.", "12", "October '97, Nepal", "With three feet of snow covering everything the trail up to Annapurna base camp was no easy matter.", "12", "November '97, Nepal", "The two of us were ensconced in a frantic, feverish, feckless frenzy of flagrantly forking out fortunes of foreign funds.", "13", "November '97, Nepal", "What's the benefit of observing bodily sensations? The theory goes like this ...", "13", "November '97, Nepal", "Up at 4am, with a 2 hour session of meditation at 4:30am, then breakfast followed by 3 hours of meditation before lunch, 4 hours before dinner and an hour or more after", "13", "November '97, Nepal", "Turned out to be a cakewalk in comparison to the pain and discomfort of having to sit on a floor cushion for over 10 hours a day.", "13", "November '97, Nepal", "Go on, purify your minds, yah miserable bunch of gits!", "13", "November '97, India", "First stop was the mind-blowing Varanasi, home of yoga and India's most holy city.", "13", "November '97, India", "Keep a real close eye on the cow's tail as you go past, if it starts rising up get out of there quick.", "13", "November '97, India", "Khajuraho is particularly famous for the erotic nature of various of the sculptures.", "13", "December '97, India", "It was erected ... as a monument of love to his wife Mumtaz who died at the age of 39 while giving birth to their 14th(!) child.", "13", "January '98, India", "While I was asleep a mouse in my room bit down on my index finger.", "14", "January '98, Sri Lanka", "It looked all the world like the impression of a foot buried in a large, yielding backside", "14", "January '98, Sri Lanka", "It's a memorial to the world's first instance of wife abuse.", "14", "January '98, Sri Lanka", "I achieved an unbroken run of rock solid bowel movements.", "14", "January '98, Sri Lanka", "I made it to Calcutta a couple of days before the imminent arrival of the Freckly-Arsed One", "14", "March '98, India", "So Niall left Varanasi feeling supple and refreshed and I left completely bald.", "14", "May '98, India", "The test of a true traveller is their ability to conduct a discussion on their current intestinal productions without a trace of embarrassment.", "14", "May '98, India", "I may go down in history as the only tourist ever to have suffered from constipation in New Delhi!", "14", "May '98, Pakistan", "The high(?) point being Sibi Junction where the thermometer hit 51C (124F) in the shade.", "14", "May '98, Pakistan", "It showed the whole of a dark mountain turn a light colour due to the heat of the detonation.", "15", "June '98, Iran", "One of the first things I saw in Iran was a wall painted with the words 'Down with the USA, the No.1 enemy'", "15", "June '98, Iran", "I was confronted with several secret police who wanted to see my passport.", "15", "June '98, Iran", "The guard mimicked pulling the trigger of his AK-47 while making 'pow pow' sounds", "15", "June '98, Iran", "The police had arrived and were going to shut down the event because the people were exhibiting non-Islamic behaviour.", "15", "June '98, Iran", "Instead of stars there were white skulls, the red stripes pointing downwards were depicted as the smoke trails of falling bombs and the whole image was emblazoned with the words 'Down with the U.S.A.'!", "15", "July '98, Turkey", "...and folks, at this stage, God knows what my chances of rehabilitation into proper society are.", "16", "July '98, Turkey", "From Istanbul the trail led southwards to the site of ancient Olympos.", "16", "July '98, Syria", "The Crusader castle of Crac des Chevaliers is a young boy's dream.", "16", "August '98, Lebanon", "Pristine new office blocks mingle with bombed-out, bullet-ridden apartment buildings.", "16", "August '98, Israel", "Christian pilgrims can often be seen here draggin big wooden crosses along Via Dolorosa.", "16", "August '98, Israel", "The world's holiest Christian site is in Jerusalem of course ... the Church of the Holy Sepulchre.", "16", "August '98, Israel", "Order was restored by the intervention of the Israeli army.", "16", "September '98, Egypt", "The Sphinx was smaller than I imagined it.", "16", "September '98, Egypt", "... how to lose 25 pounds in weight without even trying.", "17", "Grand Finale", "My real favourite was India.", "17", "Grand Finale", "If pressed though, I would say that the Iranians were the most friendly.", "17", "Grand Finale", "Best con-artists? The Indians, in particular Kashmiris ...", "17", "Grand Finale", "How to go about it? Simple, just read the Round the World Travel Guide and take it from there.", "17", "Grand Finale", "If it's one thing I learnt to deal with travelling it was unruly toilets. Here's the scoop ...", "17", "Grand Finale", "Best food? That would have to be Thailand ..." ];